My first mistake in ages….And I got rebuffed so horribly.. Last month I was so hungry and lacking money completely…I asked a neighbor who gave me in the past moderate amounts of money (less than 10 euros, only 2 or 3 times) as a loan and I always gave it back to her, I asked her again to give me only 4 euros because I was hungry and that neighbor (a pregnant young woman, very kind in the past towards me) refused. Then I asked her mother and she said that she doesn’t want her daughter to see that, and she gave me 4,5 euros in lei but she said that I should give it back to her avoiding her daughter seeing that and she was not specific in telling me when in the course of the day I can give it back to her, yet I took that money ( 20 RON, less than 5 euros) because I was hungry…After 2 weeks I wanted so much to give it back to her but I could not see her and it wasn’t clear when her daughter wasn’t home. I was so upset…Today I met her after a long time and asked for forgiveness and a clear stated time when I can give the money to her. And she got angry and screamed at me on the hall and finally asked for money right now but right now it is again the end of the month and I don’t have money at all…and she screamed that she will never give me money again, not even 20 cents for a pretzel and I got home very sad…It was not a real mistake and maybe she forgot the fact that she told me not to approach her when her daughter is home…
I lack money since 2007, I stayed hungry on and on half of the month, I don’t have clothes, I cannot repair my toilet since December last year…I cannot have a haircut…Read my last post, my last complaint. That neighbor came very angry to my door today asking for the money, less than 5 euros. She screamed, she threatened with police force, she swore a lot and insulted me a lot, I am not exaggerating. And I am not guilty, she really forbid me to knock at her door while her daughter is at home and it was not certain when her daughter was there…I am not guilty. Now, the end of the month I don’t have money at all… Now I went down in the street and I was lucky because a street vendor borrowed me that amount of money to give to this neighbor. She accused me on and on that she cannot provide support for my daily bread and she is not right, because I borrowed money only once from her! I asked her to accept at least a silver plated virgin Mary or one of my gold rings and she continued to say that I am a bitch or something like that and that it is not true that I don’t have money. I don’t really understand: is this only hatred and evil or deep inside she really thinks that I have some money? I was always so gentle towards others, why are they insulting me so?? I don’t have rights to work or to have a pension, it is true…and that woman yelled at me that her daughter, whom I gave my haiku chapbook, that her daughter worked more than anyone else. She also invented that I receive my pension together with her. I did not attack her daughter at all, I don’t understand her anger.
Once again that neighbor appeared on my way. She implied that I went to her daughter to ask for money. Of course it is not true. She said that I am not a serious person twice or thrice. She accused me again that I have a bank account and money, because I payed my debt to her so quickly last time, on August 22. I explained that so quickly, in only a few minutes, it would have been impossible to retire money from a bak account for her and I was obliged to borrow from a street vendor. I explained that I never had money, which is true. Only once I couldn’t pay in time my debt to her and it was her fault, as I explained days ago, I was always a serious person and in the last 7 years I barely had money for food, which destroyed my health. In fact I don’t understand why she follows my steps with this kind of hatred while I am not guilty.
Once again that neighbor who insulted me without any guilt, who screamed at me and swore horribly three times a few weeks ago, (on August 21, August 22 and September 3) like I already explained earlier, she appeared on my way. And I, driven by my instinct of forgiveness and respect for human beings, I said hello to her. I was also under the effect of psychiatric drugs, and I had woke up only a few minutes ago. Now I am sorry, it was a mistake to salute her. If she will ever cross my way again, I won’t say hello to her again, Never. I am almost certain that she cannot understand my good feelings towards others, like I always was. Some people say that because I was always so good towards others, common people think that I am insane. So I have to commit suicide, lacking human rights completely. I will die soon but I don’t understand why you, all of you, are killing me after 30 years of martyrdom without any mistake. I pray again the whole world for justice, I prayed in vain God and my beloved country. They invented that I am insane and by this they are killing me. I think I deserve to be alive, I was a valuable individual even though my poems are not good.