Let’s suppose you were medical students or psychology students, or even philology students or future theater or cinema actors. In each of these cases, like in many others, you would have been obliged to learn and to talk about sexuality and its implications in human life, of course using scientific terms, or different allusions, not vulgar terms. Man is after all an animal under the rule of survival and reproduction instincts, soaked in a layer of culture like slice of bread in grease. (imperfect quote). This is why I chose to write in this part of my complaints about:
I suffered very much because of this part of human nature, in fact psychiatrists said that my mental illness means that I have abnormal sexual symptoms and this is why I have to take my whole life those horrible drugs.
I was raised among other children like a nun, I mean really spared of knowledge about sexual life and with strong puritan views about it. My mentors embedded in my conscience when I was a child the strong need to have a child, but also a need of complete purity, for example the dream to be a perfect innocent virgin at my wedding. I am not ashamed to talk about this, even though I know that for decades and more (in fact even in old times) the real moral standards were not those about such purity, like I was dreaming. But I think that in the world everyone has the right to have his own opinions or beliefs. Mines were those of a loser, you can say. Even when I was a child some people threatened me that I will become an old maid because I was too serious and avoiding superficial gossip or laughter with other children. When I was 17 I knew nothing about sex life, I avoided sexual lessons of any kind, I was outraged by pornography of any kind, I did not watch porn movies and I was totally opposed to premarital sex. Now I am 41 and my life and conceptions did not change too much, although I was obliged during my studies to read something about sex life. Until I was 18 I almost never heard vulgar words and I did not know their meaning! I was never touching myself in order to understand something and I did that only once in my whole life, forced by objective conditions. I know that I am dislikeable, but I am not ashamed to tell the truth about my beliefs, though I know that those who think the opposite have a stronger voice:
– I dislike homosexuality although I am aware that it is maybe a misconception of mine. Even at my age I cannot believe that those people are really having sex with the same sex or are attracted by the same sex individuals.
– I am totally disgusted by extramarital sex, even premarital sex, although I read a lot of scientific literature stating that those are normal and beneficial things.
– I am more than disgusted by what are called sexual perversions.
– I dislike very much sexual propaganda of any kind, even that disguised in commercials.
– I never used vulgar words and I don’t really understand why some people have to use them., etc.
Briefly my sex injuries throughout my life, parting with these (mis)conceptions:
When I was 17 I met an university teacher who was meditating me. After a resistance of 6 months from my part he made me trust him completely, falling in love with him (some call this infatuation), having strong reasons to believe that he was in love with me. Because he was married with two children I rejected him with all my might, but finally he made me believe he had special powers and needs to come over my body with sexual sensations from the distance, what psychiatrists are calling hallucinations (some were even screaming at me that those things were invented by me and they are not real, invented because that man suggested me a book about paranormal facts to read). Those sexual facts were real, were not determined by my dreams or thoughts, I could not control them at all, I have seen with my own eyes muscular contractions in my belly when they were happening, so they were not perceptions without object created only in my mind, the stimulus was acting on my muscles. Only after almost 20 years I was told that that man was divorcing his wife in 1989, exactly when he made me believe he was using my body that way. Because of that tragic love of mine (what he did to me, his promises, etc.) I lost my entrance exam in 1989. Then, in the autumn of 1989 he stopped harassing me sexually. In 1990 I was the victim of horrible rapes from the distance with horrible pain and disgusting perversions. Maybe some of you remember the film La Ciociara (Link). I must confess that after two years of suffering in vain I was obliged to swallow my pride and my principles and I begged him to make love to me instead of coming like this over me. He said that he has done that before with another woman in the same situation and kissed me three times on my lips, but without any sensations, I felt nothing. And he did not came like he said, he was just making fun of me. I was the victim of monstrous sexual abuse each day, but they forced me in the psychiatric hospital for other reasons. This kind of abuse, which has a natural cause, continued throughout my whole existence and finally the psychiatric drugs lost their power to inhibit those sensations ( I admit that there were periods when I did not take them and everybody says that this is the cause for the fact that they lost effect). I can say for sure that this thing is more horrible than real life rape, if you did not experienced this you cannot contradict me. I continued to wait for that man almost 20 years (because I was not insane, think twice!) and only at the end of 2006 some people let me know that he was married with one of his students only two years older than me and had a child with her when he was almost 50. I was under shock for quite some time then, I could not understand. Although it is quite disgusting I must add that those rapes from a distance are the cause of my total isolation, poverty and rejection from the society, they took all my rights because of that and that led to physical malfunctions in my body, lack of a child, and even anatomical maltreatment, because it has been two years since I am urinating in my underwear every time I am coughing or sneezing (it was not so before, a few years ago).
I never had a sexual relationship (like they said when I was a child). I was only abducted by three men who used my body only a few times when I was very young (21-22) after 9 years of constant tortures, still under shock and especially under harsh neuroleptics. I will not explain anymore in detail, it was not my fault at all, I could not avoid that. Of course I did not understand nothing , I believed I was still a virgin, I had no sexual sensations at all and I never had sexual desires or lust or sexual fantasy of feeling pleasure. I only loved that man with pure heart, believing in him like a fool. Then I was, under the same circumstances, the victim of other disgusting abuses somewhere in the North of my country, where I tried to find some answers about my condition as a sex slave, again without any guilt from my part, but I will not explain in detail.
As a conclusion, I was only a lamb of sacrifice under their powerful sexual needs and cruelty. And from the physiological point of view I am still a virgin, the one who waited in vain her whole life for a real husband and her own wedding. But considering my social status and little money, that would have been impossible. I also think that schizophrenics have no legal rights to obtain a marriage certificate.